Paris Hilton Hospitalized after an alarming spike in IQ

Leading socialite and hotel heiress Paris Hilton (ageless) was today rushed to Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles after doctors measured a sudden spike in her IQ during a fitness check. An intern at the doctor’s office, who preferred to remain anonymous, said that the occasional songstress’ condition was “serious but stable”. Paris who has recently been going through a particularly stressful period due to being awarded a jail sentence for driving on a suspended license, was not available for comment and was said to be under sedation to help calm the unusual amount of brain activity that was caught “just in time” according to the intern, who admitted to being an ardent Paris Hilton fan.

“There’s just no one better than Paris when it comes to posing endlessly in front cameras at all times of the day. Anyone else might have easily died of boredom from mindlessly repeating the same poses in 8 different dresses each day.”, she said. “But Paris’ has been doing a yeoman’s job over the last decade or so. She’s my hero!”

Dr. Ridge Waters, a celebrity Hollywood psychologist, said the IQ spike was probably caused by the large amounts of time the actress was spending in recent days in figuring out ingenious ways to stay out of jail. Just last week she’d hit upon the brilliant idea of starting a MySpace petition to the Governor Schwaznegger of California through a friend, fired her lawyer and generally spent enormous amounts of time brain-storming ideas with friends. According to Dr. Waters such high levels of mental stimulation in individuals unused to it, can be especially detrimental to the brain’s long-term ability to handle daily mind-numbing tasks. Such a development could spell disaster for the 24/7 socialite.

A friend of Ms. Hilton, who rushed to the hospital when she heard the news, tearfully said she’d been afraid something like this might happen since last Friday when Paris claimed to be feeling “discombobulated by the legal terms used by lawyers.” It was reportedly only the second time that the often-time model has been known to have used a word with more than three syllables. The first instance being when she addressed noted fashion designer Ermenegildo Zegna by his first name at a party. Her friends explained at the time, that she usually calls him ‘Erm’ but didn’t want to sound like she was clearing her throat when so many microphones were present.

Sources close to Ms. Hilton have hotly denied claims by some bloggers that there had been other such instances, saying that “Yves Saint-Laurent” does not count since it is really three words not one. The sources also dismissed that this would have any long-term effects on Ms. Hilton’s ability to fulfill her many endorsement deals, in an attempt to calm nervous media buyers. However in a sign of things to come, stocks of several tabloids fell sharply in late trading on NYSE on worries that the IQ spike might be persistent and could sharply reduce Ms. Hilton’s poses-per-day average. Meanwhile, dismayed fans of Ms. Hilton had started gathering outside the hospital by late evening, holding placards saying “We love you Paris” and “Stop! You had us at Disco…”

Fallmark declares May 14 as step mothers day

In what is widely regarded as a bold and controversial move, Fallmark today decided that it is going to "fully endorse" May 14 as step mothers day. This move came in shortly after Hallmarks acquisition of "Peaceful Separations" a family law firm.

The move is regarded as many conservative family values party representatives as a "step towards further moral degradation of America". There have been widespread protests around it all over the nation, with protesters claiming that this will lead to an increase in divorce rates which have been on a record low since 1970. Not to mention the encouragement that it gives to illegal aliens to further degrade the nation.


Meanwhile Nancy Brand, the global marketing manager for Fallmark thinks that these accusations are baseless. "We are only trying to sell more cards. Theres excess of inventory and we don't know how to get rid of it! And plus I have a target of selling 10% more cards than last year. How do you think I will achieve that?"

Claire's arguments are seen as very weak by the protesters. "She could have started have caffeine free coffee at work day!" some claim. "Why is it coming exactly three months after Valentines day and exactly six months before Children's day?" asks another protester.


But not everyone is in support of the protests. Becky Smith, a step mom herself says "This is ridiculous. Nancy is just doing her job of using everyones emotions to make some more money. I just don't know why we are blowing this over the top!"

In another developing story, the 16 to 25 year old wannabe Yankee population of college kids and yuppies in India is showing increasing irritation at the indecisiveness and controversy caused by Step Moms day in America. According to a representative "We wish this controversy comes to an end soon. After all we don't want to start creating a hype for Step Moms day too soon only to discover that you guys are the ones who dont endorse it officially!"

Richard Gear surprised at controversy created over kissing Amitabh Bacchalan

Hollywood star Richard Gear declared today that he was "Surprised and frankly appalled" at the controversy over one "harmless kiss" to bollywood star Amitabh Bacchalan.

The kissing incident occurred at an Indian Culture awareness ceremony in Mumbai arranged by the PSPI (Patriotic Sainik Party of India). Mr Bacchalan was handing over the CAIC (Certificate of Awareness of Indian Culture) to Mr Gear when he was so overwhelmed (and high on grass) that he ended up throwing himself on Mr Bacchalan, kissing him and biting off a part of his beard, later spitting it out.

Mr Gear had made an earlier unsuccessful attempt to kiss Shilpa Shady at an earlier ceremony and generated similar controversy. "I thought I was learning about the indian culture after that incident and I thought the present kiss to Mr Bacchalan went quite well compared to my last attempt"

Mr Gear had missed a very crucial aspect about Indian culture: You dont kiss someone if she does not want to be kissed. Also he did not quite understand another subtlety: You dont pretend like you are in a hookup bar because you are stoned and high on grass.

Mr Gear had some strong reasons to throw himself on Miss Shady though. "Dont they do worse things in Hindi movies all the time? Hollywood movies are a different story. But you would expect bollywood movies to be realistic!!"

Meanwhile Mr Gear and the American media is shocked at the latest controversy and blaming India for "intolerance towards stoned men who throw themselves on women and lately married men". Mr Gear and the American media also seem to think that there is a strong culture in India for filing lawsuits for fame as opposed to filing lawsuits for money which makes so much more sense!

Mr Gear and the Americal media is shocked at the latest double standards exhibited by the people of India.

Recent MBA grad breaks record for pressing send/receive on outlook express

Sometimes you chase greatness and at other times greatness chases you as 23 year old Sameer Lokhande, a Management graduate from IIM Ahmedabad discovered in his first job for I See I See bank. He recently broke the record for hitting send/receive button 264 times on his email client before he finally got a junk mail from his college yahoogroup that asked if he was available for a "batch reunion at night lovers dance bar in Andheri on Friday evening"

Sameer knew that he was heading for something special when the bank that gets a "day 1" slot in IIM Ahmadabad for recruitment shortlisted him for interviews. After giving a tough written test that eliminated 80% of the applicants from a B school that already eliminates 99+% of applicants in its intake, he went through 6 rounds of interviews and 2 rounds of group discussion.

"I don't know how i made it through the interview process but I made it" Sameer recalls fondly. He knew he was the "chosen one" just like Neo from Matrix, but he did not let it get to his head and he was "ready for the challenge". It was not very easy for him in the 40,000 employee organization where no one would care or bother what happened if you just did not come to work for probably a year. "We have to take a lot of initiative and be entrepreneurial here and I did not have much time to discover that in order to stop myself from vegetating I would have to do something special. Especially since I cannot leave before my boss leaves the workplace".

Luckily for him , he discovered the send/receive button on his outlook very quickly and began practicing early on. Within six months of joining the bank he achieved this feat.

When asked about what advise he has for his juniors who would end up joining the bank next year he only said "Join as many yahoo groups as you can. Otherwise its very easy for braniancs like us to vegetate"

DNP looking for suggestions and contributions

.. from the community, which is you. Put a comment on what you want to read about . Better still, send me an article that you want to publish here. All that I will do is remove your name and put mine instead.. er.. no i am JUST KIDDING.

We'll have a raffle where one of the contributors gets a round of beer on me. And thats serious. No kidding there.

So put your headlines or complete article ideas to me in an email!

Lou Dobbs decides not to talk about illegal aliens in "sports" section of his show

In a last straw attempt to protest against illegal aliens in America through "silent protest", Lou Dobbs decided that he would not talk about illegal aliens in the "Sports" section of his current affairs analysis.

The 62 year old Managing Director of CNN's "Lou Dobbs Tonight" show decided that "Enough was enough". Mr Dobbs has been producer director of gems like "The New York Stock Exchange. Will illegal aliens make it crash?" , "Taco Bell: Health and illegal aliens" , "The war against terrorism and illegal aliens", "Cheating in baseball and illegal aliens" , "Jesus cares for illegal aliens", "Illegal aliens: When will they leave our women?"

When asked to give further details about his radical decision he was reported as saying "The other day I was talking about 'Illegal aliens and Global Warming' when it occurred to me that there were more important problems caused by illegal aliens and sports just took away all the attention from the real issues." It was also rumored that he lost heavily in a wager with his statistician friend who claimed that there was a 98.68% probability of hearing the words "illegal aliens" in the first ten seconds when you turn on his show on television at any random time. Dobbs denied the allegation.

The decision has met mixed reactions from the common man. While some groups cheered his decision there are others who believed that he is doing a disservice to the citizens by not reporting enough about illegal aliens. This, according to them might make him report on something more relevant that might lead people to believe that he belongs to "mainstream reporting" and not "tabloid on tube"

Dobbs did not comment on this and eluded by saying "My decision is final. No more reporting on impact of illegal aliens on football or baseball. I am done with them as far as sports is concerned"

Local Loser gets a glimpse of Ash-Abhishek

In a rare and unprecedented turn of events, 34 year old Dilip Sawant managed to get a glimpse of Abhishek Bacchan and Aishwarya Rai-Bacchan outside then Juhu house today.

Dilip, an insurance agent for used cars in Andheri, completed this effort after 36 hours of standing outside the bungalow and running around without a wink of sleep with his camera for nearly a day and a half. "It requires a special kind of dedication and joblessness to get this done" he was reported as saying. "The Ash-Abhi marriage is the best thing that could happen to India since the invention of vada pav. Bhagwan unki jodi ko salamat rakhe (May God take care of the couple)"

The local insurance agent was confident about completing this feat, even as Ash and Salman Khan were seeing each other a few months back. "I remember how my friends laughed at me when I told them i will catch a glipse of Abhishek and Ash in their marriage. No one believed me"

But a common man showed all of us how keeping faith can do wonders. Dilip is an "inspiration" and "an example of what perseverance can achieve" his friends were now reported saying.

When asked about "What next" , Dilip was reported as setting his eyes on something global. It was rumored that Dilip would " not rule out catching a glimpse of Brangelina when they take their next auto rickshaw ride in Pune. Our only advise to Brangelina will be look out... your next auto driver might just be this friendly neighborhood insurance agent !